I’m stuck in a waiting game I never expected to be stuck in. Every month I wait. Wait for something not to come, but every month it comes. Waiting is hard, waiting isn’t fun, waiting sucks. I’m not very good at waiting for things.
Last year as Maya‘s 2nd birthday approached Lorne and I decided it was time to grow our little family. We decided that having another child when Maya was around 3 would be good. So, shortly after we celebrated our baby’s 2nd birthday I stopped taking that little daily little birth control pill and began taking a daily prenatal vitamin. I started dreaming about what it would be like to have a tiny little baby again. I started wondering what Maya would be like as a big sister. I started dreaming about the shape our little family would take.
After waiting a couple of months to let my body return to a regular cycle we really began trying to make a baby. I started paying close attention to my cycle, my timing. We began the waiting game. Each month we did our best to get the timing right and then we waited.
For 6 months we have been stuck in this waiting game. Each month I listen to my body to see if it is whispering to me, trying to tell me something. Each month I wait to see if I will get those telltale signs that our efforts may have worked. Each month I wait and hope not to see that telltale sign that our efforts were all for naught and that another month has come and gone with no baby. Waiting it hard.
When we decided to start trying to get pregnant the first time things were easy. I went off my birth control pill and got pregnant the first month we really tried. I hadn’t expected it to be that easy and when it was I figured my history wouldn’t affect my ability to get pregnant. I figured this time around would be more of the same. I was wrong.
About 7 years ago I discovered I had an ovarian cyst growing on my left ovary. A very large ovarian cyst, about the size of a large grapefruit. The size of the cyst caused some major damage to my left ovary and fallopian tube. So much damage that my fallopian tube had to be tied off and my left ovary is pretty much nonfunctioning. During the surgery to remove the cyst and fix some of the damage it was also discovered that I had endometriosis.
Once I was all healed up from my surgery I started on a form of birth control pill that was known to help control endometriosis as well. It worked for me and things were good. I continued to be symptom free as far as the endometriosis was concerned and my doctor was fairly confident that it wasn’t getting any worse and hopefully wouldn’t impact my ability to get pregnant in the future when we decided to start trying.
4 years later when we finally decided it was time to start a family I was a little worried that my history would affect my ability to get pregnant and that it might not be a quick or easy process for us. However, when I got pregnant right away my fears were laid to rest and truthfully I never really gave it much thought again. It never even occurred to me that things might be different this time around. It never occurred to me that unbeknownst to me my body may have been changing in a way that would make having another baby a lot harder than we expected.
I try to remind myself that it has only been 6 months and maybe next month will be our month and all this worry and frustration will become a distant, fading memory. It is harder to believe that though as the months continue to tick by. In a few months I’ll have my regular yearly visit with my OB/GYN. If we are still stuck in this waiting game when that appointment rolls around I’ll talk to him about my fears and about what may be the cause behind our difficulty getting pregnant this time around.
In the meantime we’ll keep enjoying the awesome little girl we are so lucky to have in our lives. We’ll keep trying. We’ll keep waiting and hoping that this will be our month.